2000-08-27 - 23:03:56
Not Calling It Quits.
Maybe I should just Give It Up.
[Yes, you are correct. This is not the "promised" next update. The implied update you were going to get now will be soon, quite probably the next update after this one. Sorry for any inconvinience? Then again, it will only make sense to a few people when it's up, but now I'm rambling and not about what I meant to rant on.] (Wow, look at that. Box Text. Not what you usually GET in Box text though.)
I should just give up. I've read back over some of my older prose writing. It's all aweful. Drivel. Horrible sludge that should not be inflicted on anyone ever. It makes me glad my website is down, because with my website down, no one will read the stuff that I used to have up. Why did I read back over that older stuff? Because I've been trying to write new stuff. Each attempt gets trashed within three paragraphs. It's terrible. Not even worth revision or editing. Tasteless, lackluster, hacks-do-better, just plain bad.
Why did I think I could ever be a writer? My poetry lacks depth and my prose lacks any semblance of anything one might look for, beyond that it is (mostly) made of words.
I would do better to style myself some sort of slackjawed hick, and live out my days working at McDonalds or something. At least then I might stand a chance of passing muster in terms of the field. Or passing mustard, as the case may be.
Is it sane of me to still want this? Is it rational to keep going? No. It's stupid. I'm just a stupid, stupid girl. I'm never going to make a mark. Never going to produce anything worthy of using to try and aim for said mark. So it's plain and simply dumb of me to keep going. I should just Give It Up. But I don't. I can't. I have this... need to continue. Call it masochism. Call it a hidden desire to fail. Call it what you want, but I can't bring myself to call it quits.
All I can bring myself to do is take a cheap moment of self-pity, because I know how broken-hearted I'm going to be when I finally am forced to Give It Up. That's going to hurt. Probably more then anything I've ever known.
previous howl
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Murrrrrrffff? - 2005-01-04
A Late Review - 2004-09-12
Weekend Update - 2004-08-08
Intermission - 2004-08-07
Rambling or something. - 2004-07-31
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