2000-08-29 - 22:04:10
I Love you all, but most especially three of you.
You know, some days, it just occurs to you that you don't deserve the friends that you've got. That statement sounds like it could go two ways; let me put it another way: I'm not worthy.
OK, so I realize that it sounds completely self-deprecating. And it probably is pretty self-deprecating. And I may be using deprecating in place of an increadibly similar-sounding word, and only think I'm using the correct one. The point is, I had one of those "I'm not worthy of these kind of friends" moments today.
Don't get me wrong, as easy as it is to take this as some kind of strange self-worth appraisal problem, it's sort of a good feeling. Maybe it's only such because I get it so often, but it's nice to be driving down the road, talking to yourself, and realize how good your friends are, and in comparison, how unworthy you are of them. It makes you feel damned lucky. Don't laugh too hard, I'm serious.
What do I mean? Well if I could explain it... I don't know, if I could explain it I'd have a lot less problems, actually. Suffice it to say that my friends are good people, that I feel safe with them (in spite of a tendency to become insecure as to if I am overstaying my welcome). I would go out of my way to help them, if they needed it, and I think in most cases I would probably lay my life down, if I thought it would save them. Yeah, I probably do have some sort of martyr complex, I don't care. The point is, especially in the cases of those who know me better then the rest... Once the major wall is broken through (and there are several, and there are even some which seem to be the major wall but are not), and I've actually come to completely trust somebody, That's IT. It would take some pretty damned solid proof of betrayal for me to loose that trust. And once I trust, there's an innate loyalty there. Let me try to explain it, I guess.
Trust is not as easy for me as it probably seems to be. I think the issue is confused for those who don't know me extremely well, because I am (usually in spite of myself) always willing to give you a chance. This is akin to the storyteller allowing a fuck-up roll, I will admit. Except reversed. I usually expect in full to get screwed over when I give that chance (or even chances, if someone I do think highly of offers a reason I should), but I still give it. I attempt to bite my tongue and hold off judgement until I've had a chance to see how someone is. And then. Well, then I'll let them go, and stave off my innate distrust of other human beings, at least where that particular individual is concerned. But there are walls. I'll go and have a good time with people I don't trust. It's just that there's this state of "nontrust." It isn't actual trust, but it also isn't distrust. It's a sort of neutral state, that's actually a step up.
And I am different around people I "nontrust." They are the ones I am most chameleon with, but there is also a great similarity between interactions. I will relax partially, sometimes even most of the way. I will enjoy myself, and if having a particularly good time, let go with the full, odd extent of my exuberance. But, provided I am entirely in the company of "nontrust" people, I will not fully relax, and may, by the end of the outing, have a bit of a tention headache going, in spite of the enjoyment. And people wonder why I don't do so well with groups of people I'm not terribly close to. It's hell on me.
Then, usually because I have known a person for a time, there is a slight climb in esteem. While they may not be "trusted", they are safe, and will not be distrusted quite so easily. These are the people I usually allow to get me into situations where I'm with a group of "nontrusts." A lot of these people hold fascination for me, and I often find myself with a measure of their trust, even if I can't feel justified fully returning it in kind. I suppose it is these types of relationships that have led many whom I deal with muchly but not closely to reguard me as reliable/responsible/etc.
And there are a few cases, a few somewhat spectacular cases... I don't know... if I could describe how or why I end up trusting a person... I'd understand myself completely then. In some cases, it's the nature of the trust they show me. In some, its the sudden realization that they didn't have to break down the last wall or two, I just let them in without knowing why. And in one instance, it was a matter of waking up one morning and realizing "You know, I trust this person as much as I trust the only people who really know me. When did that happen?"
So, usually as trust is being gained, but sometimes after, the rather unfortunate person is let most of the way into my mind. There are a few small walls that stay in place, I can't bring myself to let them down even for the people I trust, except for those situations where I know that things are about to change, and I may as well let them in, since they won't be passing my way again. These are the people who get almost 100% uncensored thoughts from me. These are the people where usually I would think "What're they going to make of it if I actually say that?" and then realize, "Well, I'm thinking it. I may as well put it down. They haven't disowned me yet, I guess. May as well say what I'm thinking." And for the most part, that's what they get. They don't get most of the things that originate behind those last walls... I may have over come most of my innate distrust of humans, and given my trust to individuals, but some fears are irrational, and I can't force myself to let go of them yet.
So, with true trust comes information. The people who really know me, could all hurt me very badly. One of them knows how to manipulate me based on shared "faults", but does not because of those same faults. One knows where more of the emotional buttons are then the other two, but is a far better person then they realize they are, and I know would never hurt me. And the third has enough of what the other two know -- though few of the faults shared between me and them -- that they could probably turn me inside out as effectively as my mother can, and just as quickly.
But I wasn't setting out to describe what my friends could do to me if they ever realized how little they need me around, I was attempting to discuss how trust works with me.
Once someone has gained my trust, there is almost nothing that can break it. It would take a lot of hard evidence in proof of their betrayal. I can suspend disbelief very well, thank you, and have even applied this skill to disbelieving a trusted person capable of breaking that trust before (it ended up making things worse in the end, but ah well...). Along with this, as a part of it, I suppose, comes a sense of loyalty. No matter if it be the loyalty of a comrad to a brother-at-arms, the loyalty of a side-kick to a superhero, or the loyalty of a reluctant alpha to guard the pack at any personal cost, the loyalty I naturally have to those I would call friend increases almost exponentially once the trust-point has been reached. I'd said before that I'd probably lay down my life if a friend needed it, I wouldn't even pause to ask why in the case of the few whom I trust.
I would never expect, ask, nor want anyone to do such for me, but I always think to myself a hope that, within reason, I do stand chance of being defended. I ask never intercession on my behalf, merely that you help me procure a chance to give my best shot if I am challanged. Someone I trust standing by the exit of the arena would lend me strength, I think, if only in that I would feel a greater death within to fail before one I hold in high esteem.
There is a safety I feel around those I trust. Because I trust them, I feel as though I can actually be myself around them. Though I still feel a great fear and insecurity some of the time, I also find in my trust a means by which to gather my strength, and say what I mean, and sometimes even what I feel.
When there is someone I trust present in the group, I am much more at ease and relaxed most of the time. I am far more likely to be willing to sleep, for example. That may seem odd, but there is a reassurance that if I am sleeping in an odd place (in a car, in an airport, on a beach, etc.), I know the people I trust will rouse me before I come to harm. If I am with someone I trust, I know that, for that moment at least, I am not alone. Should the dragon attack, should disaster strike, should the cold certainty of failure well up within me and wound me with all its capacity to do so, I know that there is reassurance nearby. A voice to offer that all is not lost. A helping hand to aid my coming again to my feet, to continue even the most hopeless battles.
Give me one to whom I am loyal, and I shall strive to my last breath to do what I can for them. Should they need protecting, I shall do so. Should they need a shoulder to carry their burden, I shall offer it. Should all they need be a willing ear? I will clamp down my own inane chatter, and attempt to listen with all the concern and depth I feel for their problems. These things, these loyalties are present toward any I call friend. But to those few who know me well. To those few whom I can truely say I trust, their application is absolute.
I am not, by nature, a strong person, I think. I am small, and for many years was quiet. I feel softly, almost unnoticably to the outside, but so deeply that it frightens me at times. I am petty. I think my mind too small for the concepts I try to feed through it. I have a lot of problems, and I make too much of them. I am clingy, and needy, and I worry that while the trust I feel for a few is something purely within me, something that they need do nothing because of, I worry that when faced with how deeply I care about them, my truest friends will realize just how badly they have misjudged -- that they should have extricated themselves long before gaining the dubious offering of trust I bring them. And yet I am terrified that I will never be able to bring down those last few walls, and actually express adequately how completely I love and adore these, the most cherished among my friends.
I am an annoyance, I know. I overstay my welcomes, chatter on when it is not in my best interest, and I take in-jokes too far to heart. But my friends... they are good people. Some of the best people I've ever known, possibly the best I'll ever know. I am not worthy of them. But by whatever powers exist in this backwater reality, I will do my best to become worthy of them. I swear it. By the very trust I fear they will someday regret holding.
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Murrrrrrffff? - 2005-01-04
A Late Review - 2004-09-12
Weekend Update - 2004-08-08
Intermission - 2004-08-07
Rambling or something. - 2004-07-31
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