OK folks. This may end up being one of the more weird entries I make. It might be annoying. It might be a lot of things. But the idea occured to me, and so I'm going to run with it.
What is that idea, do you ask? Well, the only phrase I can think of (which is inaccurate at best) is a sort of "Owner's Manual" for the people I'm fortunate enough to have as friends. Mostly, I guess, it's stuff that would probably apply to everybody, I think. A little of it probably applies only to "The Three." But I don't think I'm sure exactly where that slim seperation point in this ramble is. So, uhm, yeah. Right. On with it, shall we?
Tips and Hints: A list of helpful pointers on Care and Maintence of your Lacy
Tactileism and Personal Space:
I'm often pretty quick to lable myself as being a fairly tactile person. But (sometimes in contradiction to that) I also can be somewhat territorial/particular about my "personal" space. Which means I try to respect others' space as well. What does that mean? Well for one thing that means that when I met you I probably made a quiet little distinction in my mind about if you were more likely classified as a "Tactile" person or a "Nontactile" person, with side-notes being often made about degrees as such. Unless I'm given a reason to rethink that, it tends to be a guidline that I hold to without having to think about it. This is why I often hug or backrub some of my friends, infrequenly on others, and rarely if ever on others still. Thus far I don't think I've ever accidentally pegged a "nontactile" as a "tactile" although I wonder if the reverse has ever happened (it's less likely to be noticed if it does). So this means that if I'm tactile with/around you and you don't appreciate it, let me know, and I'll back off. Some folks are even more particular about personal space then I am.
So that brings me to the second sub-point. Like I said, I'm pretty tactile. When I'm concerned about someone, my first instinct is often to hug them, touch them on the shoulder, pat them on the back, whatever. So this amounts to -- for the most part -- if you want to hug me, do so. I will certainly appreciate it. And if I don't, I will tell you that I am having a nontactile day. In theory the term "Nontactile day" is pretty self-explainitory. It means "don't touch me, I'm feeling anti-social". But (oddly, for someone who's so tactile most of the time) I'm a little weird about my personal space. I don't like having it invaded. If I've staked out a territory, spread my junk out around me and am sprawled in a spot, most of the time I do not appreciate anyone just coming into that territory. You bop in for a moment, that's fine. Just because I'm being personal-space nuts (and even if I'm being more extreme about my personal space then usual) that doesn't mean that you can't cross over my little imaginary border, talk to me, hug me, whatever, and then leave. It does mean that I do have a thing about my personal space, and (especially if I've mentioned that an area is "my space" when you crossed into it) I will be bothered if you just set yourself down within the territory I consider to be my space. And Yes, the reason I think to mention this is Shin. He's a nice kid and all, but he's got to learn to keep out of my personal space, especially when I'm gaming!
Also, for the record, I don't always know for certain if I'm in a tactile or non-tactile mood. And I can be in both, in reguard to situation. Some days, nobody at all is really "allowed" to get near me. Some days, I'm in puppydog mode, and I just want to be scritched and hugged. And some days, I'm more deadset against "people" then usual, and I'll only accept tactile expression or overlapping of personal space from the people I actually trust. That mood can shift pretty swiftly sometimes. But as I started saying, I don't always know what I need. The example being that when my car broke down in Pittsburg, I was pretty sure I didn't want to so much as talk to my fellow stranded folks. I was pacing and trying to force myself to be calm. As soon as Früzer caught hold of my arm, I literally fell into his and Lacey's arms, sobbing. As much as my old walls had been against it, what I really needed at that moment was to be hugged and told it would be OK. *shrug* Happens, right?
Resources, Food, Money, Gifts, Etc.:
In terms of resources, I pretty often take a "what's mine is yours" sort of approach with my friends. Assuming I have money, I am always willing to help out a real friend. When I have money, I am also pretty big on gifts. I like to make people happy (as much as that whole concept runs against some of what I always thought was my personality. I mean, how does a person who hates people love making them happy so much?). So this comes down to a couple of things.
If one of my real friends ever needs to borrow some $$, for goodness sake, they should come to me. If I can at all afford to, I will help them out. Never worry about paying me back right away, I can wait. I know how stuff goes.
If I happen to have money, (and especially if I am in a good mood) and you happen to (speaking seriously, not just joking around) mention that you really want some reasonably priced thing that we see while hanging out or shopping or whatever, don't be terribly surprised if I buy it for you or offer to do so. Presuming that I have the cash to spare, my first instinct will be to get it for you. I like giving people stuff.
While I tend to obsess over if I'm doing a good job of it or not, I try to get at least the people very close to me (and the ones I know probably to be getting me something) Christmas Presents (and birthday gifts, if I manage to remember their birthday). If I have enough cash, I may well spend too much. I know I do that, and if it's a big deal, tell me, and I'll try to remember not to go overboard the next time. It's just... I like to make people happy. Especially the one's close to me.
Keeping that stuff in mind, let me say two things more. One is that this does not in any way require anyone to give me anything. Don't think you have to make up anything to me. Don't think you have to get me a present if I get you one. One of the things I worry about most is people feeling in any way obligated to me. And Two is: Please don't think I'm trying to "buy" love or friendship. I just happen to love giving gifts. I like to make people happy. It's just something I do. If it really makes you uncomfortable, tell me, and I'll make due with a card. But barring being told to not give a gift (and also barring not having the cash to give a gift) I will try to give something. Even if it's a stupid little something. Sometimes I have to fall back on "it's the thought that counts." But if I can, I will try to give you something you will at least like.
Oh yeah, while I generally mean it as a joke, to a certain extent it is true -- feed me, and you may be stuck with me forever. Uhm... yeah. Now that I've rambled on too long about resources...
On Limits and Suggestions:
I can be a very annoying person. And I sometimes have trouble taking hints. I know this. I accept this. And I worry about annoying my friends. I just want to make sure that my friends know that it's OK to tell me to go away. It's OK to tell me to shut up so you can sleep. It's OK to tell me to drop a subject. Granted, it's better to say it nicely, but in any case, it's OK to tell me when it's time to quit. I'm kinda thick-headed. I'm not always going to pick up on it on my own.
On Trusts:
I have issues about Trust. It's not easy for me to trust other people. This is nothing new for most folks who know me. But (possibly because of that), I also have issues about being trustworthy. If you tell me something in confidence, I will do my best not to break that confidence, and will probably tell you if someone else brings up the subject. Hell, even if you don't tell me that something is to be kept between the two of us, if there's anything that implies to me that it's something I'm being trusted with, I'll keep it under my hat. I've had people use things I've told them against me before. I've had things I've told people used against me by other people, because the first folks couldn't keep their traps shut about it. So I try not to be the one who can't be told things.
Make no mistake, though, I don't just expect to be trusted. If I don't trust people, I can understand why other people wouldn't want to trust me. So even if you are one of the few that I trust, don't feel like you need to trust me as much as I trust you. Don't feel like you need to trust me at all. Like I said, I don't want anyone to ever feel obligated to do anything because of me. If you think I'm trustworthy, that's great. If you do trust me, that's great to. So long as you don't ever get the idea you somehow have to feel that way.
On My Obligations:
Having stated now several times that I don't want anyone to feel obligated to me, I wanna warn ya that I have a tendency to feel obligated towards others. If I feel I owe you something, that's just me being me, I guess. Yes, it gives me a huge ol' warm-fuzzy (Did anybody else have Dusso the Dolphin, and like that whole Warm-Fuzzy/Cold-Prickly thing in Elementary school?) when someone tells me that I don't owe them. (well, when I can tell they aren't just doing it to be polite. I tend to not feel one way or the other with politeness-based stuff) But usually, I still think I do. At the moment I can think of at least two people that I owe something to. At this rate, it's going to work out to my putting more effort into Christmas presents for them then I already was. And that's fine, because at least one of 'em means a helluva lot to me. So I was already stressin' over what to buy for Christmas. Oh well. With a little luck, I'll actually come into more money before then. *nodnod*
On Questions:
This probably seems silly, but I just wanna say that if ya wanna know something, just ask. If I really don't wanna talk about it, I'll tell ya that. Otherwise, I'll answer. *shrug* 's not a big deal, most of the time.
Honesty:
Above everything, I suppose, is that I just want folks to be honest with me. Let me know how ya really feel about me. Let me know if I'm being a bitch. Tell me if you really think I'm making a mistake. While I might not always take to being told stuff as well as I should, in retrospect I will preffer it to having been lied to. I know that from experience. Hey, it's usually pretty hard for me to hold a grudge even over major stuff. If you're unlucky enough to be my friend, telling me the truth even if I don't necessarily want to hear it is pretty low on the list of stuff that would possibly cause even a remote problem.
Quick Tips and Random Additions:
Yes, I'm interested in what my friends are interested in. Even if it's going over my head, I probably don't mind hearing about it. If I'm really bored, or if I don't want to talk about it, I'll try to change the subject.
Do not think I can be manipulated by the power of the scritch. Yeah, I like getting a good scritch behind the ear. But it only really works if ya do it right. If ya don't do it right, I'm probably just goofin' cause people think it's weird. And don't mistake the depth of the blissed out look I've been told I get on my face. I can ignore a scritch if I need to.
Yeah, I know I'm a hard read. If you don't think that I'm a hard read at least some of the time, one of us is very, very wrong. I'd almost like to think it's me. *shrug* It could be. But I still personally think that I'm at least sometimes a hard read. If you're having trouble reading me, ask me what's really going on. There's a good chance that I'll tell you. If not right when you ask, at least at some later point, I'll address the issue.
And Lastly, I Suppose:
To wrap up, I'm sorry. While I can't honestly say that I wish I didn't have friends, if I weren't so needful of them, I'd wish my friends could have somebody more worth their time. *shrug* But I promise that I really am trying to live up to the type of friend that they (especially the three) deserve to have in me.
Also, I'm sorry this has been such a weird diary entry. It happens. *shrug*