2003-07-05 - 2:19 a.m.
Somehow all about what I won't talk about here
I'm a bad person. Maybe I should clairify that to being a bad friend -- I did a decent job as a family member today, I think. Took care of Mum (she had a headache and all), tried to make my Aunt feel better (my cousin is being the ultimate jackass again. If I thought I could take him without getting messed up myself, I would so go beat the shit out of him. I'm thinking about doing it anyway -- I could use the distraction of a fight), made nice with Grandma. So, y'know, I think I was an OK family member today. Ok Daughter. At least I hope so.
Anyway, the root of the thing, at least what I feel is the root of the thing, is that I'm not being there for a few people. I've got several friends who're in situations and/or having stuff right now. Painful stuff, some of them. Messy stuff, some of them. Anyway, I should be at least trying to be there for them. Doing my rearranging schedule (so much as I can outside of work) to spend time with them, and talk, and at the very fucking least be supportive. And I can't do it. Just Can't Do It.
And why the hell not? My trouble isn't something so major as a dissolved relationship, isn't something so frustraiting as an anger problem. It isn't a court date, and it isn't even an annoying yet not-yet-pressing search for a new place to live. It's small, really.
So a while ago my world tilted out on its access, and I more-or-less successfully managed to avoid thinking about it until it became a non-issue. And so what if now that tilt's been nudged farther -- and made more unstable by my clumsy attempts to understand how I really feel about what's gone on. What's going on. And beyond that, if I happen to be having a minor identity crisis (not really an identity crisis -- more that I'm in a state of flux and uncertanty about a few things, and I'm not struggling with it so much as trying to force myself to stand back and wait for the pieces to settle back before I study the pattern)? Bah. Bad excuses. All of them.
I used to be the person who was so good at putting aside her own concerns so she could be of at least a little use to someone else. In a weird way, it was as much a way of hiding as it was an honest desire to be helping. But it's not there.
Tomorrow afternoon, I go to BG to pick Talcott up at the bus station. He's coming up to see Josh's show at Amici. And, y'know, to see all the folk he hasn't seen since he moved back down to his real hometown. So that'll be good, right? See the Fruzer again? Talk to my best buddy in the world?
To be perfectly completely honest? I'm sort of afraid to see him. We've talked -- briefly -- on the phone a bit since he moved home. Not about much of substance usually, just chitchat. Same as we'd do online or whatever when he was in BG. But like, all the important conversations -- the ones where he graciously listens to me as I spill out ideas and opinions and whatnot I wouldn't trust just anyone with -- those happen in person. Usually in the car, or when we're walking somewhere. And there's a lot of stuff I sort of feel like I want or need to talk to him about. And some of it is stuff I'd even put off mentioning before he'd even gone, because... I'm not even sure because why. Because I'm incapable of making something not really a big deal but worth mentioning sound like it isn't a big deal?
But so, yeah. Talcott back in BG. And making with the talking. And worrying it'll be awkward 'cause we haven't just hung out in a while. And worrying something will have changed and I won't be able to talk to him. And yeah, I worry too much -- I know this -- but it's a lot "safer" to worry about this than it is to go on in some of the circles I could be going in.
He'll be here overnight, and then I'm driving him back to Cols on Sunday morningish. I'm promising myself right now that if I haven't talked -- really talked -- to him before that about at least one of the things on my mind, I'll do it then. It's two hours + of drive time. If I can excuse my way out of talking for that long, then either I'm not ready to talk, or something's wrong with my friendship with him. I'm not sure which is a scarier thought.
I wonder if Gella ever reads this. If she does, I guess I have a request - e-mail me some time? Just, y'know, random or whatever. And -- nevermind. I'll just e-mail you the next time I convince myself I wouldn't be being a pest if I did so.
Brian tends to put Monkey vs Robot updates in his LJ posts. I sometimes think that's a cool idea, I should steal it, and do my own version of that. But then I think it would take too much time to explain things. Woman and Wolf don't have the same dynamic as 'Bot and Monkey do. And then there's the Beast (Or Monster. I think I've called it the Monster more often.) Of course, the Monster's gone funny. Either slipped back into the background, content that Woman and Wolf are screwing things up enough on their own, or else split somehow into two -- a nebulous something I can't define just yet, and an expression of the old self-destructive streak that's resurged again lately. (And no, not that type of self-destruction. I'd be too damn much of a coward to try it. My theory's always been that if you've screwed up life to the point where death is the only way out, what makes you think you'll get the death part right either?)
But so, yeah. Stealing the Monkey v Robot theme for a moment with my own twist. The Woman's just... uncertain. She's sympathetic, but she's got a lot of her own hurt to deal with. And she's convinced something else is on her mind. The Wolf is flat-out pissed off. She's convinced that the situation warrants an automatic drop to omega statis, and would happily drive the offender all the way out of the pack if she could. She's being protective of the rest of the blood-tied pack, I guess is one way of putting it. As for what I can sense of the Beast? Damn I want a drink. Among other things, but mostly I want to go be so very very drunk. Some of that is filtering through from the Woman's pov, I think, but mostly it's a desire to do something I know is not good for me, and mostly because I know it isn't good for me. Usually my destructive drive is more subtle than that.
I'm screwing this explaination up. Making it make less sense than it really should. I'm done talking now. I should probably sleep. Somehow that suddenly seems a long way off. And here Pauley went to bed an hour ago, like I'd told him I was going to. Maybe I should go to town and get some gas, so I won't have to tomorrow. Maybe not. I just wish I knew a little more than I do about a few things. Or a whole hell of a lot less than I do about others. Maybe things will look better in the morning. Sometimes they do.
previous howl
next howl
Murrrrrrffff? - 2005-01-04
A Late Review - 2004-09-12
Weekend Update - 2004-08-08
Intermission - 2004-08-07
Rambling or something. - 2004-07-31
Visitations:
Other Webdiaries:
[removed, pending update]
Online Comics:
User Friendly
Sluggy Freelance
PVP
Fans
RPG World
Suburban Jungle
Wandering Ones
Other Links:
Beast Wars RPG
RPG Survey
Fanfiction.net
Quoted
X-Entertainment