2003-10-26 - 5:13 p.m.
the math of stress
I have been really... out of sorts the last month or so.
I'm outwadly seeming to place a lot of the blame on some quasi-specific emotional stuff. I realize I am. That's because it's ironically the least complicated place to shove all of what I'm feeling. If that doesn't make sense, I'm not clairifying it much, because I don't think I can. It's a tangled mess that's also a complicated braid of different issues somehow becoming the same thing. I think that might be because I on one hand I think I can only process so many things at the same time. But on the other hand, I know I have to seperate things out, deal in simplest terms and focus on one element at a time. Slightly conflicting impulses, I know.
The truth is that only a small amount of what I'm feeling actually comes from the aforementioned emotional stuff. Yes, it's there. Probably not in the form it seems like -- I still wander around with a stupidly happy look on my face when everything else isn't getting me down.
It probably amounts to something like 45% is about financial stress. I'm having huge problems with unemployment. Huge, stressful, I-can't-fix-this-and-I-don't-know-how sorts of problems. I hardly know if I can afford visiting NY next month, and occationally doubt FruCon and am crushed over it.
Another 40% or so is family stress. Things in the house feel like they're getting worse and not better. Again, it's something I have little-to-no control over. And I don't know what I'd be doing if I did have control over it. I'd move out. Except for the money thing. And the fact that then there's a chance my mother would soon be alone. There's a seemingly increasing chance she really is going to end up having it out with Dad. As she put it, she's not playing the game they've played for 20 years anymore. He's confused and I think having problems with thta. Meanwhile he still doesn't have a job. So the house's financial situation is tight. (though a bit less since mom got her birthday money from gramma)
That brings me to... what... 85% so far? Next.
I'd say something like 5% is creative stress. I've been having a problem writing anything lately. I can't even write much crap that is at least having engaged in the action of composing. Words won't come. I can't even force them too. Usually I can at least get to having produced junk by forcing some words out. This is as much a product of stress as it is a factor in stress, I think.
Then 5% or so -- possibly the percentage that's breaking the camel's back -- comes from being on this diet. The lack of carbs is getting to me. I don't eat much in the fall/winter day-to-day, so it isn't a caloric lack per say that's getting to me. But it's adding to the tiredness that comes from the stress. And it's helping to throw my balance off. I slept for about 14 straight hours. That after having been awake for 33 hoping to snap back to a more normal schedule. Instead, I got up later than I had been doing. Arg.
95% The last 5 represents stuff I'm not sure of the real influence of. Some of it is just a tendency to get a little more introspective this time of year. Which is a problem when you're dealing with a lot of other things and introspection only seems to take the form of brooding over your troubles. Some of it, yes, I admit, is resulting from the emotional stuff that seems to be outwardly getting a lot of the blame for my behavior. That's sort of amusing, because the stress part of that (which is small even within the small percentage it overall represents) is my own fault. What do I do once I'm finally theoretically comfortable feeling what I'm feeling? I back away. I seem to talk less. That punctured by periodic realizations of what I'm doing and suddenly trying to talk more, badly, feeling like an idiot the whole while.
I would apologize to everyone for the way my behavior has been more off than on lately. Except I get yelled at for apologies pretty often lately. So I don't want to do that. I don't think I care any more.
On the other hand, last weekend I went bar hopping with three people I don't know and may never talk to much again. I had a blast.
I might be going to the Woodward's for dinner some time this week, and that makes me smile. I really love hanging out with them. They're really good people, and good friends.
It's almost Halloween. I, like a slacker, still haven't assembled the costume I wanted to build this year. So it might be the aweful visual pun I had thrown half together last year. Either way, there's costume night at Amici's open mike night. And then it's Talcott's Halloween party.
After that, there's possible travel which I need to nail out plans for if I'm going to actually pull it off. The most nagging argument against it is money. I have no income right now, and while I've been putting the brakes on spending whenever I remember to, I'm still hemmorageing from my checking account. I don't know if I can afford to go on a trip, even if I wouldn't (I hope) have to stay in a hotel anywhere. Especially if I end up spending the money that would otherwise be aside for FruCon.
I can't miss FruCon. I can't. It's seeing all the people I never see, and it's being happy and escaping from my life for a beautiful weekend in the north. I'm looking forward to it constantly. I say I can't miss FruCon. I really wish I could say I won't.
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Murrrrrrffff? - 2005-01-04
A Late Review - 2004-09-12
Weekend Update - 2004-08-08
Intermission - 2004-08-07
Rambling or something. - 2004-07-31
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