2004-04-19 - 11:57 p.m.
Does this make me a hopeless sap?
Well, now that I've had a mostly restless night's sleep, followed by a full day of work, and the slight decompression of dinner and melting my brain online... Yeah, I'm still not sure how well I'll do at putting thoughts into any kind of order.
I'm not sure if I should go in order, or if I should take events in the reverse from last night, or what. Usually I have a plan for how I'm going to try to make an entry that encompasses connected things that span more than a day or so. And I have no plan. And I'm honestly not sure that I want to try to impose order on my thoughts. Chaotic and disorganized as they can be, I like them the way they are just now.
This weekend was just... It was too short, and it was wonderful, and the ending was very hard, and it was worth every second - worth crying in public, even. Yeah, hell, I just even admitted it here. I cried when she left. I couldn't help it. I'm just glad that I did get a little catch-up on sleep over the weekend, or it would've been a lot worse.
It's... Hard to explain. I mean, it was almost a little surreal. Took me until sometime after getting up on Friday to start having it sink in that she was really here. I'm glad it started sinking in then - sometimes things take too long to sink in, and they keep a dreamlike quality even years later. I still have only fuzzy memories of singing at Carnegie(sp, I'm sure), for example.
It should seem stranger to me. So much of the weekend was like a breathing example of the way things have gone so far - acclimating and learning on an accelerated curve. And then there were moments where it seemed as though we've had ages to fall into habits already. *shakes head* And I don't know if that's going to make any sense to anyone. But it's as close to a good way of putting it as I can find so far.
The weather was amazing, and we even got our rain. Of course, we were driving at the time, and so it was not exactly ideal, but it did rain. I say we were driving - actually Anne was driving the Dreadnaught. I think she had almost as much time driving as I did over the weekend. (Go ahead and insert semi-surprised noises here - I realize that unless I'm incapable of driving I very rarely let anyone else get behind the wheel of whatever my car is at the time.)
Walked along the lake. Scrabbled over rocks. Went to the Wharf, went to the West End Tavern, went to Josh's show at Amici. Went to the Sandusky mall so she could get a haircut. *chuckle* Ate out with Mum and 'Chole at Traveler's in PC. Hung at the Woodwards' with Josh&Sara (obviously), Talcott, and Tom. Heck, hang out with a chunk of the extended fam at Crane Creek, as this past Friday was the start of the weekly beach outings in the Rice clan.
And just hung out together. Enjoyed being in the same space. Got used to it. Got very used to it. I had trouble sleeping last night. Three nights, and already I was used to having someone beside me. I'm thinking it's got to be because it's her.
As down as I was after the bus departed on Sunday night, the whole weekend energized parts of my personality that usually require a highly hyper weekend with FruHead company to tap into. There's a kind of synergy and symmetry to time with her that I haven't found spending time with an individual person before. Or rather, a higher order of completeness to the synergy and symmetry. It's that bit again - the part about how this seems to tap and connect from virtually every part of my personality, in a way even the friends I'm closest to don't always reach. Oh, some of them can pull it off - but it's usually by turns. One moment/encounter they'll be tapped to the emotion, another to the mental, etc. But while it's a slight shift between which connection points are most vivid - it's like all circuits are firing all the time with her.
This isn't about halves of a whole. It's about catalysts and reagents. Chemistry might use Math, but Math isn't Chemistry. I'm garbling the comparison I'm trying to make. It's not all about matching, it's about polarity as well; she's got a real-world logic that balances my writer-logic. Maybe I mean to make my analogy to Physics. And maybe I should stop with this line - because it's not about anything science could quantify or qualify anyway.
Oh, and she's on the extremely short list with only a tiny number of my friends - I can meet her eyes, absolutely no problem there. I have trouble meeting people's eyes. I think it's because I know mine usually give away a lot of what I'm thinking. But you see... even if I wasn't meeting her eyes, I don't think there's anything I could hide from her. For that matter, I'm hard pressed to think of things that I'd want or need to.
Just the same as talking to her from nearly 700 miles away - every day (sometimes it seems every moment) it's run a little deeper. If this isn't Love... If this isn't love, I think that not only do I not know what love is, but that I never will.
Everyone in the throes of a new relationship seems to think that they're in love. To believe it. And I suppose one always thinks that they know it, at this sort of gut level.
But this is so far - so many light years - past anything else I've experienced before. It's an almost magnetic pull, but it's coupled with such an intellectual engagement - such a mental fascination. I don't know how to say it except that I love her - that I'm so deeply in love with her I can't see the surface any better than I can imagine the bottom. But love isn't a big enough word. It's not a deep enough word.
This is energizing and relaxing in the same instant. This is so far beyond the realm of things I have words for, that I half-expect to fall off the edge and suddenly land back in a space that I can describe in the language I know. This is... maybe a stupid example, maybe not an example that will make sense, but something that amused Talcott, and might be a good example in spite of my lack of craft tonight.
She smokes a different brand than I do. A variety of Camels. I had - in general - rather disliked Camels based on my less-than-enthusiastic opinion of the Camel Lights someone who shall remain nameless for their own protection was in the habit of smoking. So I didn't expect I'd like her smokes. I was persuaded to try one anyway. And as luck would have it, I think I smoked as many of hers as I did my own over the weekend. (Which I feel almost a little guilty about, but that's neither here nor there.) And when I stopped to get gas on my way back from the bus station, I went inside and bought a pack of Camel Wides.
The thing of it is, even if I didn't like them, I might have done it anyway. They taste different, smell different, and it's noticeable. And having a pack of them on hand - smoking one now and then even if I didn't like them - would be a stupid little sensory trick to bring back the full vividness of memories that I don't expect are going to fade anytime soon anyway.
Of course, as it turns out, I do like them, I find them as easy to smoke as my own Marlboro Lights, and I'm amused that I didn't discover this until after I'd bought myself a new carton of my own smokes. Oh well.
I'm still rambling around and around, unable to find what it is that I mean to say.
I'm in Love. And I'm happy. And as painful as it was when it was time for her to leave... I would've gladly paid many times that price for this weekend. I miss her so very much already. Like... *resists urge to use one of at least two song lyrics that come to mind* I'd somehow managed to miss her even before we'd ever been in the same location. Now that feeling is magnified by some high power of ten.
If nothing catastrophic manages to get in the way, I'm going to fly out to Minnesota over Memorial Day weekend. I might manage it even if something catastrophic does happen between now and then.
A month and a half. That's the new timeframe to wait through. Planning and ticket-procuring and whatnot will happen as soon as is reasonable. Which means I have to find out if we are in fact shifting the week of Memorial Day, or if it's something I have to work out with Andy separately.
Now that it's so far past when I should be asleepin', I have to crawl into bed, try to forget that I'm not curled up with her, and get a little sleep before work tomorrow. Well, after I hop on the phone for a bit.
previous howl
next howl
Murrrrrrffff? - 2005-01-04
A Late Review - 2004-09-12
Weekend Update - 2004-08-08
Intermission - 2004-08-07
Rambling or something. - 2004-07-31
Visitations:
Other Webdiaries:
[removed, pending update]
Online Comics:
User Friendly
Sluggy Freelance
PVP
Fans
RPG World
Suburban Jungle
Wandering Ones
Other Links:
Beast Wars RPG
RPG Survey
Fanfiction.net
Quoted
X-Entertainment