2004-05-09 - 3:18 a.m.
hyper, late-night ramblings
I know at some point earlier this weekend, I had an entry that I was going to make. Had it half planned out, at least. Of course, now I can't even vaguely remember what the topic was going to be. Dagnabit.
So this will be random (well, when isn't it?) and possibly short. (And how often is an entry actually short when I claim it's going to be?)
Last things first. I went down to Columbus tonight to hang out with Talcott. It's probably the last chance we're going to have to hang together before he's gone away to the mystical land of Maine.
It was... depressing, but oddly not as bad as it was helping him move from BG back down to Columbus. I'm not sure if that's because I'm not actually helping him move, or because I'm now used to no longer seeing him every week, or because I can really understand what drives a person to move that kind of distance in this case. I mean, he's moving to be with Zil.
I have to stand behind that; my best friend going to be with his best girl. Yeah, I can't really argue the point. I'm gonna miss the hell out of him - I do still see him once a month or so - but... I mean, he'll probably be back in a few years. And even if he isn't, there will be visits home, things we're all going to go to, and if I get the chance, maybe I can go visit him and Zil, and see some of Maine. So, yeah. It's a sad thing, but not really a crushingly sad one.
Or maybe it's that I'm a lot happier now; I have a lot more in my life now than seeing my best buddy once a week.
I was thinking about this; between work not going too badly, poets' nights at Amici going well, and Anne... barring some sort of disaster (knock on wood), I might actually have a bit of an ego on me by the end of summer. And that might not be a bad thing. I mean, I never want to be one of those ego-centric people that I usually complain about, but it might be nice to have a little more confidence. Might be? Ok, yeah, it will be. Although that will remove one of my last remaining excuses as to why I haven't started submitting anything anywhere to try and get myself published.
Then again, first ink for first ink... maybe I should get my design idea to Talcott, and get him started on working up my tattoo design. Would be nice not to have to wait for it if I ever do manage to get myself in "real" print anywhere.
Hmm... what else can I talk about?
Still eagerly waiting for Memorial Day weekend. It seems like it's been so long since Anne was here; I can't wait just to be near her again. Hear her voice without the minor changes of a phone connection. Look into her eyes. Be able to reach out and hold her again. Hell, just hang out with her.
See - and this is something that dawned on me while I was driving down to Columbus (although it's something I've known for a while, just not in such specific language) - it isn't just that she's my girlfriend. She's also my friend. As good and close a friend as Talcott. And in its own way, that's just as important as being in love with her.
I guess that goes along the lines with something she's said in the past - about how it can be easier to love someone than to like them. And I like her as well as love her. I like the person that she is. I like having her as a friend. And, perhaps as important as all that, I like the person I am when I'm around her.
Mom was over at Jen and Aunt Shirley’s the other night. And they (I'm not sure which one, probably the Matriarch) made a comment in regards to Anne coming out to the family beach thing with me while she was here. Evidently before they realized there was anything to realize, they had noticed that I was happier than they'd seen me in a long time.
I guess that falls under the category of: it isn't that I was unhappy, but that I wasn't exactly happy either. And I'm happy now. Anne makes me happy. This relationship makes me happy.
Even when there's a tough conversation - and there have been a few of those already, which I suppose shouldn't be surprising - there's something about the way it's more (or seems to me more) a strengthening of the connection between us than it is a strain on that bond.
I guess I don't really know how to explain it properly. I've just about given up trying to find the right words. But every now and then, I get a little closer.
I was writing in my hardback paper journal, and I stumbled over a few phrases. They're hers, but I hope she doesn't mind my sharing them here. At first I thought they were a little... overstated. But the more I've mulled them over, I realize they aren't as over-written as I might have initially thought. And anyway, it might be a good way of explaining how she makes me feel.
I don't have the green book in the house right now, so it's possible my phrasing here will be a bit removed from the original, but if it is, it won't be by much.
"...I hang the stars in my universe by the light of her existence. The force of her magnetism has overrun north, becoming a new compass point in my daily navigation."
That might be the closest that I've gotten to getting it down on paper or in text. It isn't that she's become my world, it's that my world is changing because she's in it. And even that is probably phrasing it wrong.
Someone (and I really do think it was David Duchovney (sp, I'm sure - it's been a long time since I've tried to type that surname) but I'm not sure) once said that: "Love isn't finding someone who meets your ideal. Love is meeting someone, and then finding your ideal has changed to fit only them." My recalling of that might be a bit flawed, but the meaning is there. And maybe that's something like what I mean.
It's almost 20 'til 4am now, and I'm hyper. I probably shouldn't be journaling in this state. Heck knows I'm likely making less sense than usual already.
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Murrrrrrffff? - 2005-01-04
A Late Review - 2004-09-12
Weekend Update - 2004-08-08
Intermission - 2004-08-07
Rambling or something. - 2004-07-31
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