2004-05-30 - 2:30 p.m.
well, it wasn't supposed to be like details
No, this isn't the details I promised Sarah in a FruM just now.
This is a... statement, that I might go quiet publicly for a while.
Details will actually follow, once I've got my head on straight enough to do so.
Suffice it to say, this has in no way been the trip I was expecting, although to be brutally honest - if only about my own insecurities - I can't say it's been an entirely surprising turn of events, either.
Like I said, details to actually follow at some point.
Just mostly letting anyone who reads this know that they shouldn't worry if I withdraw from everything for a bit. I'll be fine.
This one is just going to take a bloody hell of a lot longer than any have before.
Price you pay for things having been real.
You already probably have figured out what's happened, but I don't feel up to putting it into stark text yet, so I'm not going to.
Thing of it is, I'd do it all again in a heartbeat, even now knowing where it ends up.
And if she changed her mind tomorrow, I'd jump back in with both feet.
You can think that's stupid of me if you want, but I can't hold myself off from feeling this way.
I'd fight this, if I thought it would do any good, and if I thought that I wouldn't just end up appearing as some sort of crazed stalker - after all, we both want to remain friends.
But I can't help but say - anything at all that would fix this, that would change her mind. Anything she could tell me to do. Because I'd do anything, and I'd give anything.
Going to take me a while to be able to let go enough not to have that strongly ingrained in my mind.
Still love her. Still in love with her. Still want her.
And it's fucking strange to be able to say that even while I'm hurting.
Although I'm not hurting quite yet, really. I just feel kind of tired, hollow, and empty. It's kind of like that moment right when you've nicked yourself accidentally with an extremely sharp knife. When you notice that you're injured, but the pain hasn't registered in your brain yet.
And even though I've said I'm not going into detail yet (though I seem to be) I want to say this - please, please, no one think it will be helpful or right to be angry with her over this.
She's been nothing but honest with me, and it could have been so much worse.
I still want her as my friend.
And you know how I get when people get unjustifiably furious with my friends.
Be unhappy if you're going to be anything on my behalf. I'm unhappy. But I know I'll accept the situation; I have to.
Now I'm wondering how much of this will be edited or deleted out once I've had time to think and come back on it.
I really hate doing that, but it might have to happen this time, because I'm not really sure how I'm sounding right now.
I suppose a lot of this might almost have been better a greenbook entry.
But I'm saving that for the plane ride home, if I can manage it without seeming too publicly upset.
Y'all know how I get about emotional upset in public. Kind of one of my least favorite things.
I've rambled on far too long already for this entry that wasn't supposed to be me discussing what happened yet. I've barely started to react, I shouldn't be trying to formulate my thoughts for public consumption.
But, so, yeah... I might withdraw the next few weekends. (After all, I'm not around during the work week, so that part is nothing new.)
And since I'm actually letting myself deal with this on a concious level right away, I'm fairly sure I can promise I won't work myself into the hospital either.
Which is good. I hate hospitals.
And no, this does not for certain mean that I'll give up smoking the Camel Wides in addition to my usual Marlboro Lights.
I just probably won't smoke them as often.
There is no such thing as gravity; the Earth just sucks.
previous howl
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Murrrrrrffff? - 2005-01-04
A Late Review - 2004-09-12
Weekend Update - 2004-08-08
Intermission - 2004-08-07
Rambling or something. - 2004-07-31
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