2004-06-04 - 3:41 p.m.
merf
Well... even completely aside from the reasons I knew this week would suck, this week sucked.
We had to do some clean-up in Darke County, it rained torrentially on us, we got a flat and discovered that the rig has no jack or tire iron (and so had to call AAA, and it took something like 2 hours for what would've been maybe 15 minutes of work otherwise), it generally sucks working tues-fri instead of mon-thurs... What else was there? Oh, when we started the clean-up in Darke, there was a sequence of railroad work going on, so we actually had to go back today before we came home. Hmm, and on Thursday, my back was absolutely killing me - muscular, not a need for it to pop. Nothing seemed willing to take the edge off, though it's not quite as bad now.
Then I get home to discover that the computers are still (spontaneously) refusing to see each other over the network, which means that to be online I have to be downstairs in the dungeon, on Mom's machine - rather than up in my "nice" messy den.
Add on to that everything going on with me, with my life and state, and... Yeah, it was an absolutely suck-tacular week.
As for that "other" stuff... how am I doing? Well, you tell me.
I feel relatively rational, and calmish, I guess - a little sarcastic and pessamistic, but then again, that's not so far off what my old baseline was, so ok then. I haven't cried since I've been home. I'm capable of working, and being productive - if a bit slower than usual. I've rediscovered reading as escapism: actually read all of Angels and Demons on Tuesday night. I'm capable of - fleeting - fits of amusement, or at least bemusement.
On the other hand, I keep bouncing between not wanting to eat and eating constantly. I'm sleeping worse than I have been in a while - and part of that is because I'm reluctant to try to get to sleep each night. Quiet time alone in the dark, in which to be thinking and feeling way too much. I'm smoking way too much - too much even compared to my usual habits. I don't really feel like I want to do anything.
It's Friday, it's a quarter 'til 4, and I have no idea even what a tentative plan is for the weekend. I don't know if I want or need to stay home, brood and hide, or if I want/need to go out and be distracted. If I stay home, am I better off spending my time thinking and writing, or seeking absolute escapism? If I go out, do I want to be with my Mom, doing some kind of vaguely distracty bonding thing? Do I want to be with friends? Or do I want to strike out on my own, possibly in a different location than those I generally frequent when out?
Each day is - if not better - a state I'm a little more used to, one where I feel a little better to take on the increases to whatever particular element is increasing in me. I've dealt with moods at least similar to the one I'm slowly descending into before, after all.
But each night is a little more difficult. One more night more removed from the sound of her voice. One more night to really think about everything that'd changed for me in the last two months.
I've done well, I think. I know - rationally, anyway - that I need time. And I'm somehow sure the distance is what she wants or needs just now as well. I haven't txted, didn't try to call this week. I'll admit to being pretty hopeful I get a chance to chat with her online for a moment or two this weekend - to be completely honest, that probably comes out of some half-irrational fear that I've already been forgotten; IMing with her will help to remind me that we are, after all, intending to remain friends.
It's funny - you'd think that the one thing other than missing her that I'd be dwelling on is the hurt of the situation. And that's not the case. What I seem to keep thinking about, focusing on - conciously, at least - is all the good that this relationship was for me. She might not realize it - might not even believe it - but she's been a good influence on me. And in the alchemy of interpersonal relationships and connections, I really think that all the changes wrought in me have been positive ones.
The one sticking point there is that it remains to be seen how strongly this will serve as a reminder of the "lesson" I learn time and time again - that I'm not allowed to have what I want. Or of that other lesson - everyone leaves.
It's kind of hard to talk about this without treading over the same ground too many times, too obviously.
I still don't really understand it - well I can in an abstract way understand why, given an allowance for the reasons I was given - and I certainly don't like or agree with it. But I still don't really have a choice, either.
I still love her so very much. I'm going to be dealing with that the longest, I think. After I've gotten used to quiet evenings with cable in hotel rooms across the state, after I've gotten used to waking up just because it's another day and time to get to the job, after I've gotten used to the lacking of all the things brought into my life and outlook over the last two months... I think I'm still going to be dealing with my love for her, and the frustration of that.
Of course, while the magnitude is different than it's ever been before, it isn't as though I'm a stranger to the unique pains of a situation where I find myself in love with one of my friends.
Zil said - or rather txted - something startlingly profound to me earlier today. She pointed out that it will get better with time - with the addendum that it would do so even if I might not want it to.
I'm kind of torn between wanting to explore and wanting very much to ignore any relevance in that addition.
Hell, who am I kidding? I'm kind of torn about pretty much everything right now.
I've got so fucking many conflicting instincts, I don't know which one or ones to go with.
There's nothing I can do, but get over this.
That's what I guess I have to keep reminding myself.
Until I don't just believe it, but I know it, and I feel it, and I can be certain that I have accepted it, instead of just being certain that I have to - and will - accept it.
There's nothing I can do, but get over this. And be happy she at least still seems willing to talk to me.
Better to lose only part than to lose all.
It could've been worse.
It could be worse.
I wonder if it's better when I'm filled with a dull, cold, emotional ache, or when I'm numb.
I wonder when I'll find whatever it is that I can cling to that will help me hold myself together.
I wonder if I should be holding myself together.
And I'm talking too damned much.
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Murrrrrrffff? - 2005-01-04
A Late Review - 2004-09-12
Weekend Update - 2004-08-08
Intermission - 2004-08-07
Rambling or something. - 2004-07-31
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