2004-06-06 - 8:03 p.m.
It's just a tender blindspot, not the ruination of your soul...
*sigh*
Well, evidently the way I deal with this is to be a massive and complete idiot.
I broke last night, a little. It might have been more than a little, but it sort of... stopped.
And either because I'm a massive fucking idiot, or because I was lashing out in resistance of the hurt, or for whatever reason, I may have managed to fuck my situation over more than it already is.
I've got to learn to keep my fucking mouth shut, especially when I'm tired, coming off of an unhappy buzz, and hurting.
That or it's that same old tendency I inherited from mom. Sometimes I can see that the chain is about to snap, but I just can't quite reist poking at the bear one more time. I'll see the line in bright blazing red, but I can't keep myself from stepping over it.
*shakes head* I don't know. I just don't know.
I do at least know that I'm starting to actually feel the pain now, rather than just knowing it's there waiting for me. Not sure if I can say that's a good thing or a bad one. I suppose on balance it's probably good, means I can get to getting on.
I was thinking just a bit ago - as I was driving back from getting my groceries for the work week, and grabbing dinner for myself and dad - that maybe it isn't about actively trying to let go of all of this. Maybe I should be focusing more on finding something to keep me going for now, and just figuring that the letting go will happen when it's ready.
I have my "soul" back - the piece of plastic issued to me by BGSU, that is - but my actual soul, and my heart... She might have given them up, but she can't actually give them back. They'll only be mine again when it's time for that to happen.
I just really hope I haven't fucked up the groundwork for remaining friends. Figures that my argumentative mood would rear up at the worst time, in the worst direction.
Anyway, it's just been a peachy weekend. Short to begin with, then our network issues. Mom had a tooth pulled on Friday, and apparantly has an infection because of it now. She's got (just this afternoon) scripts for an antibiotic and Tylenol 3, and she's going back in to see the dentist tomorrow morning. She's not going to work.
And I'm beginning to think I should almost be glad for the whole emotional limbo/hurting/upset/distracted by my situation thing - because otherwise I'd be a little bit irrationally worried about my visit to the doc this coming Thursday.
I'm more sure that my spots are nothing than I was about my headaches being nothing when Doc Minnick ordered that MRI a few years ago. But at the same time... I mean, do I really need the stress if they aren't nothing?
They're bound to be nothing, though. Getting them checked out is just an exercise in responsible behavior.
Right. As usual lately, I don't even know why I'm making this entry. Chalk it up to needing to vent for a moment about how in-fucking-creadibly stupid I can be when I can't shut myself the hell up already.
Yeah. Listened to one of my old MP3 discs on the drive to and from getting cash, water, apples, etc. So now I have Tender Blindspot stuck in my head. Hence the subject title for this entry.
previous howl
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Murrrrrrffff? - 2005-01-04
A Late Review - 2004-09-12
Weekend Update - 2004-08-08
Intermission - 2004-08-07
Rambling or something. - 2004-07-31
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