2004-06-06 - 3:42 a.m.
rundown
Not sure why I'm making an entry now. Only two reasons I can think of is that I might not get to it tomorrow, and that I'm not sure I want to try to sleep yet. For some reason I don't think this nature progam will lull me to sleep very well tonight.
At least I've been home long enough now that I'm no longer "unhappily buzzed." John R asked how I could be unhappily buzzed. It's really pretty simple - I was buzzed, but in no way more happy.
I ended up at the Wharf for the last two hours before closing. Did not intend to sing, but Annie's Jerry kind of insisted. Well, in that sort of grandfatherly half-coaxing, half-telling way. After I'd agreed to do Black Velvet, he went up to put it in with Tony for me, so I didn't have to go dig up a book or fill out a slip or anything. And shockingly as all hell, I did manage to be halfway on with it. *shakes head* I will never understand my lungs and vocal cords. Given the abuse I've heaped on them in the last week, you'd think they would've refused to work at all, let alone at a better keel than they have the last few times I've sung anywhere.
Finally worked out that our networking problem was not one of the computers being bitchy - which they both are - but that the hub died. So I went to Staples on my way to pick up dinner, got a new hub - well, a switch actually, but I think that's mostly just a bland word difference - and now I can go back to denning in upstairs.
Of course, my odd reluctance to brood alone tonight is what led to my going out - but since I didn't drink too much, it's all good, I guess.
I maybe should mention - I've got a doctor's appointment on Thursday afternoon. Getting my "spots" checked out, as it were. I'm oddly annoyed by the appointment. It'll either be nothing and I'll feel stupid for getting it checked out, or it'll be something important and I probably won't want to know.
Don't think I said, but I went out on Friday night too. I had the strangest urge to brood publicly around people I don't know. So I took myself to a club in Sandusky. Luckily for my reputation, the place was about 3/4 dead, and I only ended up staying through two beers. It was just too quiet for me. I needed some sort of distraction, even if I was intending to just let myself sit there and be miserable with my beer.
Wasn't drinking beer tonight. I discovered that the Wharf has the makings for a drink recipie I brought back from my trip last weekend. Which is amusing, since on my way there I'd half-decided I was going out not to brood, and would be drinking Bud Light instead of MGD - a departure, but not a far one, as I drink the Bud when I'm at Oaks or Happy Hour in town here, usualy. And yeah, I'd have my reasons, but when do I listen to reason, even when it's my own?
Going on 4 now, so I guess I'll wrap this up and think about going to bed and trying to sleep. That means you're spared too much of my emotional ramblings for the night.
For me, the trouble with being depressed is that my own angst pisses me off, and for once I don't really have much to be pissed off at; I just end up generally pissy with most of the world at large, which isn't right of me to do.
Anyway, for anyone still following along at home, I'm feeling about the same as I was the last time I wrote. But I'm starting to really wish the actual painful part of the pain would hit already, so I can get past it. I don't like having it hanging over my head any more than I like the whole situation in the first place. Maybe that's what's making me so pissy in this particular funk - the waiting.
I'm not even sure what I'm saying or talking about at this point. I just know that I'm running out of things to try distracting myself with. I wonder if that's a good or a bad thing?
I wonder how long it will be before I can really care much about anything, beyond the sense of obligation that I now remember is what usually used to drive me? I wonder what it is that will actually hit me with the breaking point?
I miss her like crazy. I love her so very much still. And beyond those two things, I seem to be stuck in emotional limbo.
I'm trying. Sometimes I falter - I faltered a bit tonight. I'm still not sure yet what the new guidelines are, where the new boundaries are drawn. I'm trying so hard. Maybe that's what takes my energy to care - what little energy not sapped by my mental state - the effort of trying.
I've said before, and will probably keep saying until it's no longer true - I'd be back with her in a heartbeat, but I know there's no point in letting myself hope she'll change her mind. So what becomes important is figuring out what I need to do and not do to keep things such that she will continue to consider me a friend.
Line from a song (amusingly enough, I suppose) occured to me while sitting and listening to the singers tonight. "And the words of every sad song seem to say what I think," from Neon Moon, if I'm not mistaken.
And I have to go pretend to sleep now. I'm starting to question how much actual sleep I'm getting, versus how much time just sort of slips slowly past into the night.
previous howl
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Murrrrrrffff? - 2005-01-04
A Late Review - 2004-09-12
Weekend Update - 2004-08-08
Intermission - 2004-08-07
Rambling or something. - 2004-07-31
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